I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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