oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
