I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
