Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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