Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
