I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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