Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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