epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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