I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
