she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Randomize
