Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
