it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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