Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
she told me i tasted like america
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
