who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
