90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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