My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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