If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
