so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I have aggressive nipples.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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