My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
