R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
