Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
