Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
