I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
