Can Purell be used as lube?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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