Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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