you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
