My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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