Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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