So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
