you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
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Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
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He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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