I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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