Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
