Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
