She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
