my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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