What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
