I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
