I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
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My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
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He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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