i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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