I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
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