I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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