Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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