So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
