I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
