so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
