i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
