The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
