I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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