Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
