She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
