My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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