so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
