what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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