closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
