If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
someone owes me an orgasm
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
