im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Randomize
