Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
