70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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