I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
